La Cucaracha (Sept 28)

I was sitting in my apartment a few night ago imparting mass genocide on my brain cells by watching a nondescript, superfluos show on the boob tube. My cats were lounging around (as usual) like piles of clothes strewn across the floor. Suddenly, there was movement! Karma (my Siamese) jumped to his feet and stared intently at the window. I knew it either had to be a serial killer with a bloody knife just on the other side... or a bug. It was the latter. But, it was no ordinary bug. This was a cockroach. The King Kong of cockroaches!

Anyway, so this "bug" looked right at me and said: "What ju looking at beech?! Ju jus try to take me on. I'll whoop jor @ all up an down dis place and eat jor fat cats for dinner!" *gasp* I was appalled... the language! How offensive. So I told the roach he must die for his sins, and for invading my home and giving me the heeby-geebies. He wasn't too happy at the thought of imminent death, and put up a pretty good fight. My original plan was to squash him with a notebook. Of course, he knew of my deathly, irrational fear of having a cockroach in my hair, so he crawled up the wall to a point where I could just barely reach him. But, I summoned my courage, climbed on top of my coffee table and threw my notebook at him with all of my might. He flexed his muscular wings and laughed at me, saying "is dat all ju got? Ha! I've toppled grown men flat on der dirty backs for jus trying to step on me!" Then he jumped off the wall in my general direction, which of course, sent me screaming into the other room. {On a side note, my cats at this point (thinking that I've gone completely insane) were hiding under my bed planning their escape once the cockroach won.} Upon hearing the dirty bug laughing at me for running away, I timidly went back into the living room to look for him. He was hiding under the couch. Not to be outdone, I moved the couch away from the wall to squash him once and for all. Bastard! He'd figured out my plan and was holding onto the couch as I moved it. I couldn't get to him, so I gave up. I had no other option but to let him kill me in my sleep. But wait.... Later, after the events of the night had subsided, the war temporarily on hold... my cats decided to come out from under the bed. I guess they figured the crazy lady had calmed down and they were safe. I don't know why, but Mr. Cucaracha decided to come out from under the couch. I think the tasty temptation of fat cat flesh drew him out, but I could be wrong. Anyway, I caught him offguard as he was stalking Marshall's fat butt and SQUISHED him hard with a box of facial cleanser. "HA ha! DIE bastard bug."
Wow. It's amazing what an oversized, smack-talkin' bug can do to a pacifist vegetarian. I rarely ever kill anything, and though he was a foul-mouthed, dirty roach... I kinda feel bad for Mr. Cucaracha. I hope he didn't have a family.

Rest in peace.